Thursday, May 27, 2010

defining perspectives

yesterday i learned that good doesn't mean it's all positive.

being nice is something that i have told myself, brainwashed myself over and over again to be. it's not that i want to be some saint loved by all. but i just wanna prove that there can be good and niceness in this world. if possible, it is better to be solved in a more peaceful way. cause in the long run, i have learned that controlling emotions is important.for one wrong step, the next second you might regret every thing you just did just cause you did not control.

but yesterday whatever i have been telling myself proved me all wrong.
being nice did nothing but hurt my friend.
being nice did nothing but made her suffer.
being nice did nothing but tears.

made me feel so useless.
so stupid.
as a friend, it was the worst of the worst.
in the end, it is the same as me not doing anything.

i thought too much, acted too lil.
i worried. worried in one way but forgot to think of the other.
worried he might go into extreme, for i can't predict what's going on.
what if things got worse inside as i worsen the situation outside?
but i forgot, forgot with every noise i make, means a step closer to freedom for her.

i cried. every tear was a sign of stupidity.
what can tears do.
so pissed at myself. always crying.

i am thankful she came back safe.
and that she is confirmed in safe hands.
for if she didn't, i am to blame. i am at fault.
i am not worthy of a friend.

i am so sorry.
i did not mean to write this to make you feel bad or worry.
i just need to say my apologies.
and that i will never, ever repeat the same mistake in any other kind of situation where its endangering a friend.

that i will never ever listen to my head, i should listen to my heart.

he's right.
an eye for an eye, an apple for an apple.
he should have gotten what he deserved at that point, everything but nice-ness.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i am a "chi cha po"

i slept at 4.30 am on Friday night thanks to Karipop-_-
3 hours on the phone.
woke up early next day to study for Jap Kanji test.
then i slept at 3.12am on Sat night thnks to Kelvin-_-
don't know how long on MSN playing webcam.
woke up at 8am the next day to do laundry.

so everyone who noticed i have bad eye bags.
now you know why.
hahaha-_-


Monday, May 10, 2010

tummy 100% filled

*uploads later*
wheeee~*
yes. happy mother's day to all mommies~
21 carnations. 5 lilies. 3 ferns.
hahahahaha :D
mom was sad at first cause apparently i did not wish her.
-_- erm.....i thought i did. which means i must have been dreaminglar-_-
but the flowers made her day~*
yes. fish next time i buy flour for your mom *laughs*

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My Testimonial

I thought of sharing this with you all since we were told to write our testimonial after the church's Baptism & Membership Encounter Weekend at Sepang last weekend. I just sent this to the pastor through e-mail as it is required to gain the membership of the church. One of the reasons for this membership is to feel belong to a registered church and another reason is because Amos and I would like to go for their marriage course and counseling. :D


1. What is one most important spiritual lesson I have learnt?

The one most important thing I've learnt is that it is so crucial for us to guard our heart at all times. This is because we are often tempted by our surroundings and situations may make us fall into sinning. Ps Chris mentioned about the 'Roof top' rule in relation to 2 Samuel 11, which is very important to apply in our everyday life. We are responsible for every action we take and thus, we should be very careful and wise before it is too late. It makes me wonder how a normal human being can overcome all temptations as there is no one in this world who is as perfect as Jesus Christ who does not sin. Being the son of God and came down to earth to show us how we should live, I, then want to learn to live my life like Jesus did. Thus, the 'Roof top' rule will be my guidance in life in order to protect my heart and not give way to temptations.


2. What has transacted between you and God this weekend?


I would say that it is how much God loves us and never forsaken us. This is during the Father Heart of God session and it really touches my heart so deeply. When Ps Chris asked us to share about our earthly father to our sharing partner, the words used to describe my father was "loving, caring, understanding and funny". However, I know that my earthly father could not always be there for me and it is not easy for a daughter and father to have a heart-to-heart conversation. Hence, what more could I expect from God our father in Heaven who is always there for us and He watches over us all the time. He knows everything that is in our heart and mind and it feels good to know that I'm being watched all the time.

Ps Chris's so-called 'HK Drama' on Luke 15:11-24 really enlightens me to how deep God's love is for us. No matter how many times I've strayed away from God and couldn't understand what God's purpose for me to be in this world, I came to realize that God is forever waiting for me to come back to Him. I was born in a Christian family and was baptized when I was 10 years old. I remember being very excited and ever-ready to become a Christian and couldn't wait to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior at that age through baptism. As time goes by, my family slowly drifted away from church and became dysfunctional until my parents got separated and later on divorced. I was very upset and lonely at that time as I got no one to talk to. Being so emotional and broken at that period, I actually lost in touch with God in my heart with my bitterness. However, something within me sustained me to do well in my studies and the other things that I was doing in life. He'd given me friends who cares and loves me for who I am and I know God had taken care of me through them. During those years, I tried going back to church but I never felt like home. After so many years in my hometown, something tells me that I should have a breakthrough in my life and move to the West M'sia. After much contemplation and discussion with my father, I finally moved down to PJ. Not long after that, a friend of mine at that time introduced DUMC to me and I've visited DUMC ever since then. I felt so much joy as I was able to finally open my heart to sing praise and worship and enjoy the sermons being preached by the pastors. However, all my bitterness and hurts which I've buried for many years resurfaced and I had to deal with it one by one. I shed so much tears as I know that I have so much uncleared bad seeds in my heart. The thing affected me the most was my past relationships. It was really hard and I struggled a lot with heartbreaks and I somehow figured out that it was affected by my family's condition. I have sinned countless of times back then and I just can't thank God enough for giving us Jesus to save me . Because of Jesus, I am able to break free from my baggage and bondages. After all these has happened, I know for sure that God loves me a lot and had never forsaken me throughout these years.


3. How did you feel before and after the Encounter Weekend?

Before: I thought it would be a normal course just like the others I've attended in SOL Level 1. I didn't put much expectations to it and moreover, I had to cancel my dog outing with my friends and my dog on Labour's day because of this. :P So, I was a bit sad loh.


After: I never expected this to be so enlightening and it really brought me so much closer to God and it feels like I've been reunited with my father. I get to know how much God loves us and that he has a purpose for each of us in this life. So from now on, I will live with everything submitted to God and learn to live a carefree and loving life.


4: Why should others attend the Encounter Weekend?


I would encourage others to attend this because it made me a fresh start of my life and a reunion with God. I think they would be able to have a different perspective of God and understand what Christianity is all about. Besides that, it is also a good place for people to ask any questions about the church and about Christianity. I am sure that they're able to gain a lot in the area of knowledge and spiritual from this, just as I did.