defining perspectives

yesterday i learned that good doesn't mean it's all positive.

being nice is something that i have told myself, brainwashed myself over and over again to be. it's not that i want to be some saint loved by all. but i just wanna prove that there can be good and niceness in this world. if possible, it is better to be solved in a more peaceful way. cause in the long run, i have learned that controlling emotions is important.for one wrong step, the next second you might regret every thing you just did just cause you did not control.

but yesterday whatever i have been telling myself proved me all wrong.
being nice did nothing but hurt my friend.
being nice did nothing but made her suffer.
being nice did nothing but tears.

made me feel so useless.
so stupid.
as a friend, it was the worst of the worst.
in the end, it is the same as me not doing anything.

i thought too much, acted too lil.
i worried. worried in one way but forgot to think of the other.
worried he might go into extreme, for i can't predict what's going on.
what if things got worse inside as i worsen the situation outside?
but i forgot, forgot with every noise i make, means a step closer to freedom for her.

i cried. every tear was a sign of stupidity.
what can tears do.
so pissed at myself. always crying.

i am thankful she came back safe.
and that she is confirmed in safe hands.
for if she didn't, i am to blame. i am at fault.
i am not worthy of a friend.

i am so sorry.
i did not mean to write this to make you feel bad or worry.
i just need to say my apologies.
and that i will never, ever repeat the same mistake in any other kind of situation where its endangering a friend.

that i will never ever listen to my head, i should listen to my heart.

he's right.
an eye for an eye, an apple for an apple.
he should have gotten what he deserved at that point, everything but nice-ness.